Plumbing Wars
by N64 Man
Summary: Mario's plumbing business is challenged by another company who moves into town. For all lovers of chili, ninjas, cherry bombs, lizards, Dr. Dave, evil french people, and Crazy Man Joe. Enjoy. Please r/r!


Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, or any of the other characters in this fic, except for Pierre, whom I made up. I'm not making any money off of this, please don't sue.  
Note: Words in ( ) mean Crazy Man Joe is talking.  
"Plumbing Wars"  
  
Mario had just fixed his toilet, and was watching TV after a hard day's work, and then in the commercials, he saw this advertisement about this fast, super plumbing service, called "Fast Plumbing Co."  
And it said "Don't bother calling other people, don't bother using those foamy things that have a tendency to burn through pipes, just call us at 555-12345."  
"What a stupid number," though Mario. "that sounds like what some idiot would have on his luggage tag."   
Luigi came in and exclaimed in a surprised voice "Wow! That's the number on my luggage tag! They must be, like, pyschic or something. I'm going to call them and ask them if I should stick with purple or buy those trendy pink overalls."  
"Mama Mia!" yelled Mario. The phone rang, and Mario picked it up.  
"Yello? Mario's residence."  
"You stink!" said the caller.  
"Okie, have a nice a day." Mario managed to answer before the caller hung up. "Good thing I bought that trusty caller ID." Mario looked at the number. Surprised, he read 555-12345. "The number from Fast Plumbing Co!"  
"Hey Mario! The toilet's backing up!"  
"NOOOOOOOOO! This can't be happening. Something must be up."'  
"Well maybe it was that chili I had..." offered Luigi.  
"No, it wasn't chili. It must have been... Wario!" Mario reasoned in his most sinister voice. "Maybe it was because of that time when we were golfing, and *I accidently* hit him repeatly with my club."  
"I got a 5 on every hole!" Luigi boasted. "Remember?"  
"Yes, Luigi, I remember."   
______________________________  
After Mario and Luigi went and beat the crap of Wario, they sat down to watch TV again.  
"Okay, now we return to "The Talk Show About Plumbers", said a high pitched female voice. "Now we interview the boss of Fast Plumbing Co, Pierre Puanteur!"  
"Hello Christmas, happy to be here," Pierre said in a heavy French accent.  
"What do you do at Fast Plumbing Co?"  
"We use the highest technology to unclog pipes, and..." he whispered to a man sitting behind him, out of reach of the cameras. "What is it plumbers do other then unclog pipes?" The man shrugged. Pierre stumbled at what to say. "And, we uh, fix stuff, and... we... do... stuff. Yah."  
Mario shook his head. "This guy doesn't know anything about plumbing." He returned his attention to the TV, where Pierre was still at a loss for words. "And, um... Go Mushroom Kingdom!" The audience burst into wild applause.  
"Okay folks, that all we have for you today. Tune in next week, when we do our segment on Foaming Cleansers. How safe are your pipes? Buh bye!"  
Mario snorted in disgust and turned off the television.  
______________________  
In the morning, Mario waited by his phone for a call, but he had none. No one, in the entired Kingdom, had called for two hours. He was usually booked solid by then.  
"Luigi, did you cut the phoneline again?" Mario cried in desperation.  
"No, we're just not getting any customers."  
"Mama Mia! Fast Pipe Co is stealing all of our customers!" said Luigi. Oh wait, Luigi is far too stupid to make such a remark. It must have been the freaky man standing in the window. Scratch that!  
"Mario, there's a cherry bomb in the toilet. It just went off," said Luigi. (ahh... that's more like it.)  
"Mama Mia!" Mario wasn't very happy about this. He had just fixed his toilet from when it backed up. Then Mario noticed the freaky Ninja man standing right outside his window. The ninja, having been spotted, ran off. Mario stopped to think. "No plumbing customers, ninja stalkers... all signs point to Wario!"  
Mario rushed out the window to the local hospital, where Wario was wrapped in bandages in the ICU.   
"Oh no, oh no, he's gonna be mean to me!" screamed Wario at the sight.   
"Hey, man, no visitors," said Dave Malucci, the doctor who treated Wario. "Hey aren't you Mario? You're my hero! You can break the rules any time! Go ahead, beat Wario up again!" Dave lowered his voice. "Hey later, do you think I could get a picture? Please?"  
"I didn't do nothing! I didn't do nothing!"   
"It's too late for that, Wario. I'ma gonna have to beat you up again. With a fire flower."  
"NOOO!!" The fire department learned a valuable lesson that day. Casts=flammable.  
____________________  
The next day...  
Mario had just fixed the toilet again. This time, there was a weird lizard dude in the window.   
"Mario, the sink is overfloowwwing!" said Luigi, as he was promptly drowned by the rising water.  
"Mama mia! Nooo!! I just got that fixed again!" Mario jumps out the window, and proceeded to beat the crap out of the lizard guy, for no apparent reason.  
Then, he used his mighty punch, and sent him flying away.  
___________________  
Mario fixes the sink, and goes on his computer, and searches for clues.  
He went to www.fastplumbingco.com.   
*Hm... if you say it real fast, it sounds like Fast Flamingo dot com.* Then, he saw the picture of the workers. They were all either lizards or ninjas. *No flamingos in sight,* Mario thought sadly. *Wait! Ninja man visited our house, cherry bomb in toilet. Lizard man visits, sink overflows. This can only mean one thing... Lizards and Ninjas= death omen.* Mario's train of thought took a dramatic twist. *If lizards and ninjas work at FPC, and they want to take over all the plumbing on the entire planet. This can only mean one thing... I am taking a tour of fast plumbing co.*  
___________________  
Luigi was watching the house (wait, I thought he was dead! The plot makes no sense! Tell the people!) The tour of Fast Pipe Co costs $15. That was a lot for a tour, but Mario paid anyway. He disguised himself as an old lady, so they wouldn't notice him.  
Then, the tour guide said, "this is where we test all of our high tech plumbing tools."  
Mario looked and saw a plunger who dived in the toilet and worked all by itself. Then he saw an experimental foam, that burnt through the pipes on the sink, and exploded onto the workers, causing horrible disfigurement. "All fixed!" cried a lizard, happily. (Wait! How can they be fixed if they were damaged more! Oh no, the men in white coats have come to take me back to the looney bin! NOOOoo!)  
"No! I can't take it anymore!" Mario took out his plunger of doom.  
"Watch out! That old lady's got a plunger!" cried a distressed woman.  
"I'm not an old lady! For I am Mariooo! Plumber extrodenair!"  
The mario used his Majik Plunger of Doom and knocked out all the employees, and addressed the people.  
"Didn't you notice? Pierre is French, and he has high technology. We know only the Japanese are capable of such magenifencent work. And I bet he's not really French. His name translated means "Stinky Rock!"  
The crowded gasped in horror.  
Mario hopped in an elevator and went to the top floor, where the boss awaited his arrival.  
There, Stinky Rock had his high tech plunger. "I've been waiting for you, Mario. True plumbing is in the future!"  
"No, true plumbing is in the technique! Let's settle this."  
Luigi magically appeared and said, "Mario! Are you sure about this?"  
Then Stinky Rock said "Dance with me!" (In this case, plunger duel).  
"No, I'm not gonna dance with you," Mario shuddered, disgusted.  
"No, I mean a *duel*."  
"Oooh... Let's do it!"  
"Ew, you pervert!"  
"No, I mean duel, let's *duel*."  
They duel for hours and hours, neither getting tired. Mario hit Stinky's pinky.  
"Ow! Ow! OW!" Stinky cried.  
Then Mario stuck the plunger in his face so he couldn't talk, and banished him from the Mushroom Kingdom. The next day Mario got 16 hundred calls.  
____________  
THE END  
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What'd you think? Please review. 


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